When to Stop Giving

I grew up in a family that, somewhat like Jehovah Witnesses, did not celebrate holidays though not by eschewing them. Birthdays were celebrated and gifts given when I was a child—sweaters and socks. I got a fountain pen for middle school and a typewriter for high school graduations.The first gift, out of the family context, that I gave, with trembling emotion, was to my friend Carl. In exchange for favors he had proferred—lending me issues of gothic horror comic books—I gave him a roll of grosgrain ribbon that he admired in the Kresge dime store. I was twelve and Carl and I were in the same class, both of us devotees of horror comic books, a passion not appreciated by our parents.I remember the indulgent look the matronly saleslady gave me when I asked to have the ribbon gift-wrapped. She did it beautifully. Carl seemed thrilled. He was into dressing up while we sat barricaded in his bedroom. Skirts, girly tops, shoes he borrowed form his aunt. And lipstick. I paid little attention.When I saw Billy Elliot, both the stage and movie versions, I was first reminded of Carl. I thought the comic books were the only pathology we shared, and not a serious one. His cross-dressing passed by me like an innocent eccentricity. The next year we changed schools and he moved and, in those days without texts or emails, we lost touch.The gift of the ribbon sealed a special friendship because it conveyed a level of trust and acceptance that never quite surfaced to our awareness. I think it was one of those purest kinds of gifts. A gift of love.Giving gifts has a very long, even ancient history. A gift serves many purposes: as a sign of appreciation, as a recognition of gratitude, as a love token, as an inducement, as an ironic message..

So the size and cost of a gift often infiltrate its ostensible meaning

.Holidays at this time of year tend to include the exchange of gifts, behavior akin to an embrace. That exchange is meant to be a mutual declaration of love, whether between partners, parents and children, or co-workers. And that exchange fuels a kind of exuberance that begins with Black Friday and ends by New Year's Eve.It is easy to see how consumerism has come to feed that fire.But isn't gift giving ultimately a contractual arrangement? Are there not secondary incentives and lasting commitments that adhere to the gift? Of course there are.A gift is rarely a plain and simple symbol of whatever intention motivated the giver. Conditions lurk in the background.Soon I will dispense cash gifts to people whose job entails providing me with various services. The gifts represent appreciation. But they also serve to retain the goodwill of those "servants" and to ensure the continuity of services. The gifts may even enhance my social position by rewarding their servitude. Kings and corporate leaders and everyone down that status line lives by that principle.Probably every social pyramid stands on the giving out of gifts.What about gifts as merely love tokens? An engagement ring is ostensibly an objective representation of a promise. By receiving it the affianced accepts an obligation to fulfill that promise. An engagement ring becomes a public announcement of betrothal. The public reaction to an engagement ring reflects the level of social acceptance it implies and may also indicate the status of both giver and receiver. The DeBeers mining company introduced the idea of the engagement ring diamond as its sine qua non. The bigger the diamond the greater the prestige of both parties.So the size and cost of a gift often infiltrate its ostensible meaning, suggesting that the monetary value of the gift is a measure of how much the recipient is valued, resulting in a chain of equal or competitive future gift exchanges. This pattern of valuation empowers the endless continuity of exchanges. So on it goes. And consumerism benefits.A gift may come from providence—divine or genetic. Artistic and athletic abilities, especially when they are prodigal, appear like blessings, like unearned rewards. To nourish and develop such gifts demands support, effort, and the acceptance of the gift and its realization. For some this gift becomes a burden or a source of tormenting envy or even a repudiation by family. Genius, in any form, is difficult to own and difficult to actualize. It is seldom the gift that keeps on giving.The great chain of giving has all of us entrenched. Around the approaching holiday season it can feel oppressive and financially challenging.The solution? Just give a little...